What Election Day means to ‘Merica…
Election Day is here, ladies and gentlejerks.
Today is the day that we decide our fate. Or the Electoral College decides it for us. Either way . . . doomsday.
I have been out of Ohio for the better part of the past three weeks, and there is a solid reason for that. You may think I have been in North Carolina and Florida visiting my family and dressing as Nicki Minaj FOR FUN, but that is simply not the case. You see, I have been campaigning for my fellow “swing” states to join Ohio in making this election process the longest and most painful since 2000. So far, Florida looks as though they are making serious progress in turning Election Day into a complete debacle like Florida tends to do. I see those 2-hr lines in Miami, guys! My job there was done.
I have a difficult time believing that North Carolina is, indeed, a “swing” state at all. Mostly because as I sat in the back seat of a pickup truck, listening to country music, holding four jars of moonshine, I couldn’t help but notice the terribly racist signs that decorated most of the yards in Yadkin County. Some of them said “Romney/Ryan” while others went the extra mile and dropped the N-word. Personally, I hate the word. I think it’s ugly, and I fear to think of the repercussions of the fool who would decorate their yard with that kind of trash in Ohio. In North Carolina’s defense, I have to believe that some of them never mentally left the Civil War, and they are a bit confused when you tell them that the Confederate flag is NOT the flag of the United States of America. If I had to guess, I’d say Romney wins that state . . . in a landslide.
In case you are living in a cave, let me give you some highlights on what Election Day means to us.
1) Social network sites have turned into a political frenzy. If you do not find political rants amusing and you do not think idiots are funny, stay off the sites completely for at least another week. I, on the other hand, am having one of the most entertaining days of my life.
I find that it is much more fun to join in on the tomfoolery than to ignore it. I am quite positive that some people read the things that I say or do and write me off as an incompetent, biased pig and I LOVE IT. I encourage anyone reading this to engage in stupid comments. It feels good to say something completely ridiculous and know that someone, somewhere is reading that comment and thinking, “I’m moving to Canada.”
2) The phone calls need to stop. Somehow, our Magic Jack got disconnected today and it was the BEST 30 minutes of my entire day. It was 30 minutes of uninterrupted silence. Once my dad messaged me on Facebook to tell me our Magic Jack was not working, I connected it again and the madness continued. Have you not seen my Facebook, Barack? Do you not read my tweets? You do not need to leave 30 messages on my family’s answering machine. YOU HAVE OUR VOTE. Regardless of what this man says…
3) OHIO MATTERS. Anyone find it hilarious that the only time anyone outside of Ohio ever acknowledges Ohio is when an important decision is involved? If you don’t think that it’s funny that the fate of America is in Ohio’s hands, it’s because you don’t live here. You don’t understand that we are like mentally backward, mountain people . . . without the mountains. We are not the kind of people who should be trusted with this magnitude of responsibility. I wouldn’t even trust most Ohioans to guard a toothbrush, yet here we are electing the President of (technically) the WORLD. Ohio hasn’t received this much attention since July of 2010 when that monster in Miami broke our hearts. We are like the ugly girl who secretly has a very wealthy dad. Nobody wants the ugly girl until they discover that her dad is an oil tycoon and then she can’t PAY these assholes to leave her alone. Everyone is courting us right now, and we’re trying to play it off as no big deal. In reality, we are attention whores who respond to compliments by saying, “Oh STOP!! *giggle giggle* Tell me more about my beautiful eyes!”
Tomorrow, our dad will lose his fortune, and we will be eating peanut butter sandwiches in the bathroom stall at high school because we no longer have any friends.
ENJOY THIS WHILE IT LASTS.
Judging by the pictures of the “I Voted” stickers on Instagram, I assume almost anyone who is reading this HAS voted by now. If not, you still have roughly two hours to make it happen or we are not friends.
Remember, if you don’t vote, you have no right to bitch.
I’m Brittany Mollis, and I approve this message.